Rock week? how vague
Slash is the mentor? FUCK YOU SLASH. And fuck your stupid hat. Do you know how long it took me to beat him on guitar hero: world tour? He kept kicking my ass.... it was so frustrating. Fuck off Slash. Your name is a mark of punctuation. Take that. / = LAME.
(Ps i just found out slash played for guns and roses.... i like had no idea, im so not educated in the ways of rock)
Sooooo im always looking for ways to amp up my blog and take it to the next level. I had no ideas for this week and was struggling around 2 in the morning. Schen suggested we play apples to apples with the contestants (i swear we werent high) and i thought it was a great idea (naturally). So i went through the show and pulled a green card and two red cards for each performance. Keep in mind they are totally drawn at random and my job is to somehow make a connection. Lets play!
Adam Lamert AKA The Sun of the Idol Universe - "Whole Lotta Love"
Amazing hair and makeup this week. His outfit is kind of edward scissorhandsy. Im not that into it his performance this week. He sounds kind of whiney. And almost a little sharp. I honestly dont think he would be my favorite anymore if he wasnt gay. Wait, does that make me biased against straight people? Am i now no better than homophobes? No not really, i just love gay people. But back to Adam.... i dont really like it. sorry. Maybe next week. 7.3 out of 10.
APPLES TO IDOLS CARDS: Emotional, Whips, Adolf Hitler - Okay so emotional, naturally. Whips i can also understand, he has that whole S&M vibe to his performances. But Hitler? Really? Maybe even hitler would love his music. Even though hitler hated gay people. Um.... Or is it Hitler needed a "Whole Lotta Love"?
Sidenote: What the fuck is Kara wearing? and what is wrong with her? she was so over the top with the gestures and the critique and at one point she said "yes yes yes" in the herbal essence style. Adam makes her body do things it doesnt understand.
"... The song "A whole lotta love", i say youre a whole lotta perfect" - Miss Abdul
Allison Iraheta AKA Last Girl Standing (besides Adam... JK) - "Cry Baby"
Oooo i havent heard it yet but damn girl, this is a song that you kind of shouldnt touch. Its got a do not touch sign on it. Lets see how it goes - Hmm mhmmm. Nope. Huh-uh. She doesnt have it. No wonder she went home this week (Spoiler alert. Wait, doesnt that go before the spoiler? oh well). The song is too big for her. She sounds fine, pretty good actually, but she doesnt have close to the ammount of soul and blues as the original. Its like she was trying to swing one of those big hammer things at a carnival and ring the bell at the top but Janis Joplin is fucking Hercules. (Random nonsensical analogies? Absolutely!) 5.6 out of 10.
APPLES TO IDOLS CARDS: Sensitive, Spilled Milk, Computer Hackers - She is sensitive, and her song this week was cry baby. Spilled milk is something you cry over, and computer hackers are the reason the votes got rigged and Danny didnt go home. (thanks schen-lah)
** Crazy Paula Counter: Dancing while standing: 0, Random panning shots to Paula during contestants performances: 2, Wrist-to-wrist special ed. clapping: 2 **
Danny Gokey and Kris Allen AKA Dead Wife Band ("But Kris' wife isnt dead yet" "That can change")- "Renegade"
Im confused. They seem scared. Oh but they are harmonizing and i like it. Oh but Kris is trying to sound too rock god-ish and its straining his vocal chords. They are sounding fine but not selling it and performing it enough. Its not exciitng enough, i dont beleive them when they sing about being wanted by the law and being on the lam and facing the gallows and shit. i mean come on. Danny is wearing a fucking button down. It didnt wow me, i thought the duet was kind of a weird concept. Dont do that again idol, dont do that again. But it was better than Allison. 6.1 out of 10.
APPLES TO IDOLS CARDS: Playful, Hangnails, Hooligans - Hangnails are painful, just like this performance. Hooligans ties in because they are kind of like renegades, and playful because its playful to sing about escaping being hanged? nice one fates of card randomation, nice one.
Kris Allen AKA Adam's Only Threat - "Come Together"
CAREFUL. Careful Kris. i like this song. Its a beatles song. Its a classic. CAREFUL. He is doing pretty well, i like that he is playing the guitar on this one. Cuz you know it is rock week and that is a rock instrument. I think the song isnt a great one for displaying vocals but he definatley did the most that he could with it. Near the end he dropped into his lower range and it was too low for him. Overall i liked it. I wouldnt listen to it on a CD or the radio though. Not my fav from him. Damn, they are striking out this week. 6.9 out of 10.
APPLES TO IDOLS CARDS: Organic, Baking Cookies, Bubbles - Hahaha Baking cookies and bubbles are sweet things that make you happy in an innocent way, like Kris. And he is kind of hippie ish acousticy, so organic works perfectly.
Okay so there was this group of giggling girls that were laughing when Paula critiqued Kris. They did it twice, very loudly and rudely, and i want to take this opportunity to wish pain and destruction upon them. How dare you laugh at Paula! And worse how dare you interupt her! She could have been about to spout some precious gem of Pauladom, a nugget of wisdom if you will. What if she was about to say the next "you dare to dance in the path of greatness"? Shame on you. Fucking idiots. Moving on.
Danny Gokey AKA - "Dream On"
WHY. Why do you do this to me Gokey??? I asked you two weeks in a row to shave and you didnt. Are you purposefully trying to piss me off or is it accidental? Bad bad song choice, this is another classic you dont do. Steven Tyler is like the Whitney Housten of men, you dont even try and sing his songs. Sorry Danny but you suck. And i hate your face. And the falsetto????? SCARY. Scary. But you know one thing i love about him everyweek? He gets paula on her feet (RHYME. i rhymed. woot!) Bad scream falsetto thing danny. bad. 3.5 out of 10.
APPLES TO IDOLS CARDS: Insane, Baked Beans, Nuclear Power Plants - Anyone who likes Gokey is insane, baked beans cause a stink and so does he, and nuclear power plants put out nuclear waste which is useless and takes up space just like Danny. Eff him.
Allison Iraheta and Adam Lambert - "Slow Ride"
Mmmmm he is so sexy. They have great energy together. And i didnt think they could make this song work as a duet, but they really pulled it off. It was better when they did solo stuff but the harmony was aight. And i love that Adam tried really hard not to outshine her but it was impossible. I mean he is like the Sun of the Idol Universe. He shines that bright. Cuz he is gay. And gay people actually emit light. They are luminescent. It comes in handy at night or while in caves. And according to Paula they are the perfect marriage. Paula? Really? really. Sigh. do we have to go over this again? Like isnt this my 7th recap? My God that is a lot of blogging. Im worn out. 8.8 out of 10.
APPLES TO IDOLS CARDS: Lazy, The Common Loon, Chorus Girls - Lazy equals slow, kind of, and they sang slow ride. The Common Loon is the bird that appears on Canada's "Loonie", a form of currency. Cuz they are cash money money baby. And Chorus Girls.... HAHAHAHA OMG CHORUS GIRLS! hahahha are you kidding me?!?!?! hahahah oh that is too funny. Yay for random hilariousness.
** Crazy Paula Counter: Dancing while standing: 1, Random panning shots to Paula during contestants performances: 3, Wrist-to-wrist special ed. clapping: 3 **
Well im exhausted! Im really sad Allison went home this week (spoiler alert! oh wait.... i did that wrong again). I wish she could have beat out Gokey but we all knew it would come to these three. Like i could have told you that 7 weeks ago. I was kind of bored this week, i cant wait to have 2 songs from each next week. It should be a good week. Anything will be an improvement from this week. Geez. Feel free to try your hand at the Apples to Idols cards, see what connections you can come up with in your comments! I will talk to you soon (ttyl, for all of you txters). Until then...
Bon Appetit!
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