Knives are sharp. Dont cut your elbow dude. It sucks
ANYWAY back to this american idol business. I have heard that tonight is disco night... and all i have to say to that is WOOOO HOOO!!!! HOLLA AT YA GIRL! i dont know if your aware of this but i am a HUGE disco fan. Like HUGE. like i have been belting out "I will survive" since i was in 5th grade. I love the beats and dance grooves and pointless lyrics about beats and dancing. And all the ridiculous sexual innuendo. Its a genre lost on so many with small minds and no inner beast calling them to the dancefloor. Its a little gem of american history, a generation captured within the deep bass riffs and wailing falsettos. It sparkles and shines with the sweat of dance fever, the passion on the floor, and the longing for a truer intimacy. THIS is why disco lives in my heart. LETS DO THIS THING!
Ooooo no group song?? Yay! Apparently they sucked each week and no one liked them. I wouldnt know because i have never actually listened to one of them this season but yay for less filler more thriller! and by thriller i mean crazy paula.
And wait they cut out the video intro things? WEIRD. I dont know what to make of this. Maybe next they will cut out Ryan! YAY! I also remembered that 2 contestants go this time instead of one since they used "the judges save" last week. Hmmm.... 7 contestants left..... interesting....
A Chef's Log Presents: Crazy Paula and the Seven Dwarfs/Mediocre Previously Undiscovered Musicians
Lil Rounds AKA Is she really still here? AKA Grumpy- "Im Every Woman"
I chose Lil to be Grumpy cuz she always seems pissed at the judges. And she yells when she sings. And you know... insert stereotypical angry black woman comment here. Chaka Khan hahahaha that just sounds funny. Omg lil's ass is huge. Bree was totally right, i never noticed. She really isnt that good, I mean she doesnt suck this week but it isnt nearly as good as the original. And i cant understand any of the lyrics. She is doing a lot of yelling and the backgroundsingers are drowning her out. And she is off key. WOW that makes it seem like she sucked. Aight, she sucked. It wasnt nothin. 2.9 out of 10. Im glad she goes home (oh snap, did i just ruin it for everyone?)
Youve been every woman on that stage during this competition. Every other woman but yourself" - The future Paula Abdul, Ms. Kara Dioguardi
OMG paula looks so drugged up tonight. Like glazed over eyes and the slight slur and over active mouth movements. Im so pumped. She actually looks a little drunk too which would be AWESOME because we havent had a drunk paula in a while. She is like a rare fairy of the night.
Ryan you can go shove your inner goddess up your ass. Douche.
Kris Allen AKA Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson's laboratory baby created in a fucked up genetics experiment AKA Bashful- "She works hard for the money"
Kris shall be Bashful because he just seems so shy and sweet and very under the radar. Like very. Like i still dont remember his name sometimes. Okay so listen... i need to think about this performance for a second. Because that wasnt donna summer's song. Donna summer's song is a disco song. With a beat and like fun synthesizer and its fast and exciting and about a hooker. Now this song... this one was also about a hooker but um, it wasnt disco. I know that they are being original so whatev. I just like disco and feel that disco week should have SOME disco in it. Whatev. Kris did fine. He sounded fine. Its just.... its nothing i can dance to. And thats all i really want. That aside, i actually think i really liked it. Let me listen again. HOLY EFF! i love it! its amazing! (once you get past the whole its not disco thing) I would listen to this if it was an actual single. Solid vocals. Great arrangement. Cute little awkward Kris faces. Nicely done, i like it. 8.7 out of 10.
Ryan you can go shove your inner goddess up your ass. Douche.
Kris Allen AKA Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson's laboratory baby created in a fucked up genetics experiment AKA Bashful- "She works hard for the money"
Kris shall be Bashful because he just seems so shy and sweet and very under the radar. Like very. Like i still dont remember his name sometimes. Okay so listen... i need to think about this performance for a second. Because that wasnt donna summer's song. Donna summer's song is a disco song. With a beat and like fun synthesizer and its fast and exciting and about a hooker. Now this song... this one was also about a hooker but um, it wasnt disco. I know that they are being original so whatev. I just like disco and feel that disco week should have SOME disco in it. Whatev. Kris did fine. He sounded fine. Its just.... its nothing i can dance to. And thats all i really want. That aside, i actually think i really liked it. Let me listen again. HOLY EFF! i love it! its amazing! (once you get past the whole its not disco thing) I would listen to this if it was an actual single. Solid vocals. Great arrangement. Cute little awkward Kris faces. Nicely done, i like it. 8.7 out of 10.
Okay Paula cant even CLAP straight already. And we have an hour to go. The vodka in that coke glass is going to keep this show interesting. What the fuck are you talking about paula??? He isnt shopping anywhere, he is singing. In case you missed it: "A lot of women are known to shop in the mens department but there arent many men that are wiling to shop in the womens." I think she means that he was a guy and sang a girls song and that is unusual? Bad analogy. Adam is the crossdresser in his free time, not kris. Dont you google anything? We need Paula abdul subtitles, for real. But i still love her.
PS Simon makes paula so much better, pointing out her ridiculousness and antagonizing her and making the faces we are all making. Love him. And im glad no one cares what kind of underwear Kris buys.
PS Simon makes paula so much better, pointing out her ridiculousness and antagonizing her and making the faces we are all making. Love him. And im glad no one cares what kind of underwear Kris buys.
Danny Gokey AKA DEEEAAAADDD WIIIFFFFEEE GUUUUYYYY AKA Doc- "September"
Dude, Doc wore glasses. So does dead wife guy. See? Plus both just suck as characters. So his wife died in July, i was hoping it was september. Aw. Boo. Boo for my inappropriateness. Oh i hate it already. And he literally just opened his mouth. Do i really have to watch this? fuck it im skipping it. I didnt even watch it. 0.8 out of 10. i hate you danny. so very much
**Crazy Paula Counter: Dancing while seated- 0, Dancing while standing- 2, Clapping out of rhythm- 1**
Allison Iraheta AKA Strawberry Shortcake La Espana AKA Sneezy- Hot Stuff
Allison always sounds like she has a cold or something. Which works for her, but makes her the Sneezy of the dwarfs. I love this song so very much. Holy shit she has some serious pipes. I hope she sticks with this music thing, even though she wont win idol. I really loved that, i felt it kept the disco groove and dance-ability and energy. But it also fit into her rocker chic thing. And it made me wanna go get some hot stuff. So ill give it a 7.9 out of 10
Allison always sounds like she has a cold or something. Which works for her, but makes her the Sneezy of the dwarfs. I love this song so very much. Holy shit she has some serious pipes. I hope she sticks with this music thing, even though she wont win idol. I really loved that, i felt it kept the disco groove and dance-ability and energy. But it also fit into her rocker chic thing. And it made me wanna go get some hot stuff. So ill give it a 7.9 out of 10
When Paula critiques, she makes these weird pauses as she tries to think of the next word. She does it most often before big words, and if you listen really really hard, you can hear the sound of the drunk hamster inside her Paula head spinning in his little brain wheel. Listen close. For real.
I love Adam's gay speaking voice. It is so cute and ubergay.
I love Adam's gay speaking voice. It is so cute and ubergay.
Adam Lambert AKA Jesus Third Cousin Twice Removed AKA Happy- "If I Cant Have You"
Okay so he is Happy the dwarf... get it? Happy? Which is a synonym for Gay? and he is Gay! haha how very very clever. So I was kind of bored. Its sooooo slow and different from the original. I loved the deep longing in his voice, that passion and pain. It was overwhelming . AND beautiful. He totally nailed it. But seriously, the thing that makes the original song what it is got lost. Yvonne Elliman's version (thats the one from Saturday Night Fever) had this quality of the pain behind a facade. Like, the peppiness of the disco beat made it seem like she was dancing to escape the reality that noone can fill the void. It isnt working but she tries anyway. thats the point of the song, that she cant fool herself. The meaning of the lyrics and theupbeat music are such a powerful juxtaposition. But his version was so honest and straightforward... it lost the poetics of the original. So great job for what it was. But it wasnt my fav. Sorry. His vocals and performing still kick everyone elses asses by 8 million percent. So even though im kind of disappointed, 9.2 out of 10.
Okay so he is Happy the dwarf... get it? Happy? Which is a synonym for Gay? and he is Gay! haha how very very clever. So I was kind of bored. Its sooooo slow and different from the original. I loved the deep longing in his voice, that passion and pain. It was overwhelming . AND beautiful. He totally nailed it. But seriously, the thing that makes the original song what it is got lost. Yvonne Elliman's version (thats the one from Saturday Night Fever) had this quality of the pain behind a facade. Like, the peppiness of the disco beat made it seem like she was dancing to escape the reality that noone can fill the void. It isnt working but she tries anyway. thats the point of the song, that she cant fool herself. The meaning of the lyrics and theupbeat music are such a powerful juxtaposition. But his version was so honest and straightforward... it lost the poetics of the original. So great job for what it was. But it wasnt my fav. Sorry. His vocals and performing still kick everyone elses asses by 8 million percent. So even though im kind of disappointed, 9.2 out of 10.
She is crying. Paula is crying. Like i saw a tear. It cut to her during the performance, and i have the screenshot for your viewing pleasure:
I. Am. So. Wasted.
I think that picture sums her up for the week. Just ridiculous and emotional and slightly nonsensical. And by slightly i mean like over the top bat shit crazy.
"Ive never questioned my visceral response when i hear you perform"
visceral: (adj) obtained through intuition rather than from reasoning or observation
How does she know words like that? i need to keep a dictionary beside me when i watch this show, Jesus paula. The hamster is working overtime. Her hands are shaking as she tells him "youre fascinating, youre brilliant, youre awesome". Hahahah and Simon just cracks his british as up after that. While paula stares into space with her head on her hands, barely moving for 60 seconds. She is sooooo wasted.
I still hate Ryan but "Pool of Abdul" is hilarious
Matt Giraud AKA Soulful White Boy AKA Dopey- "Stayin' Alive"
Hahahah he is sooooo dopey. Between his almost bald head and huge ears and slight mental retardation, its a perfect fit. Im glad this one sounds like a disco song, which is great. And he got to do his sexy white boy j-timb thing which works well for him. But he didnt really shine, he didnt sound that great, it was kind of a jumble. You have to love the song choice, its kind of hilarious. You know, cuz they used the judges save last week to keep him in the competition. And im totally glad they did. But this one didnt wow me. 5.3 out of 10.
Did Ryan just take a drink from Kara's coke cup? WHAT AN ASSHOLE?!?! thats gross, she doesnt want your spit in her coke. No one wants your spit anywhere. Cuz it has your DNA in it. And that is the root of all your suck-i-ness.
Anoop Desai AKA Nobody Enjoys Him Anymore AKA Sleepy- "Dim All the Lights"
He makes me sooo very tired. Hence his dwarf name. I am also convinced he is confused and thinks he has to grow a dwarf-like beard. SHAVE. Its called putting the razor to your face and moving it against the hair and shaving. Dammit. How hard is it. I know Danny was all stubbly last week with his stupid not shaved face but you cant pull that look off either. Idiot. So back to the song. I liked the beat a lot but hated the outfit. He cant rock things that are that sexy. He actually sounds pretty good. A little shaky at times, and he really didnt nail the last note. But his pipes are good. The problem is his voice isnt original and i couldnt recognize it if i heard it on the radio. He would do great in a choir or like a weird Indian boy band spoof of Backstreet Boys (Slumdog-street boys? hmmm.....) but really, he did aight. 4.9 out of 10 too bad he goes home (oh snap, i ruined it again!)
**Crazy Paula Counter: Dancing while seated- 0, Dancing while standing- 4, Clapping out of rhythm- 1**
Yay for Paula breaking her Dancing while standing record!!! And YAY for the worst 2 going home this week. Im so happy the people i dont like that much are leaving. Next is getting rid of danny gokey......... ew.... i hate him. You know, without Anoop or Lil that leaves Allison as the only non-white contestant. (shes hispanic, remember?). She is also the only girl left. besides Adam. Cuz he is gay and that is the same as being a girl. I didnt know you didnt know. Lets hear it for the top 5!!! WOO HOO!!!!
Until next week...
He makes me sooo very tired. Hence his dwarf name. I am also convinced he is confused and thinks he has to grow a dwarf-like beard. SHAVE. Its called putting the razor to your face and moving it against the hair and shaving. Dammit. How hard is it. I know Danny was all stubbly last week with his stupid not shaved face but you cant pull that look off either. Idiot. So back to the song. I liked the beat a lot but hated the outfit. He cant rock things that are that sexy. He actually sounds pretty good. A little shaky at times, and he really didnt nail the last note. But his pipes are good. The problem is his voice isnt original and i couldnt recognize it if i heard it on the radio. He would do great in a choir or like a weird Indian boy band spoof of Backstreet Boys (Slumdog-street boys? hmmm.....) but really, he did aight. 4.9 out of 10 too bad he goes home (oh snap, i ruined it again!)
**Crazy Paula Counter: Dancing while seated- 0, Dancing while standing- 4, Clapping out of rhythm- 1**
Yay for Paula breaking her Dancing while standing record!!! And YAY for the worst 2 going home this week. Im so happy the people i dont like that much are leaving. Next is getting rid of danny gokey......... ew.... i hate him. You know, without Anoop or Lil that leaves Allison as the only non-white contestant. (shes hispanic, remember?). She is also the only girl left. besides Adam. Cuz he is gay and that is the same as being a girl. I didnt know you didnt know. Lets hear it for the top 5!!! WOO HOO!!!!
Until next week...
...Bon Appetit
No comments:
Post a Comment